the duty of youth is to challenge corruption- kurt cobain
i don't own most of the shit i post. (if i post something of yours that you want taken down/a credit added to, message me, i'll gladly do so)
nineteen. music. angst. crows. traintracks. pouring rain. stars. late nights. tattoos. piercings. coffee. swingsets. orange juice. skins. concerts. starbucks. yogurt. kiwis. chaos. to write love on her arms. tea.
i love big cities, i love equality, i love horror, i love whimsy, i love the dark and i love you. nosy gophers.
Also I just wanted to say the things that Jesse did that made me wanna go out with him in the first place/see him again after the first date.
- he asked for my number, because it was easier to communicate, but said if I wasn’t comfortable that was fine (I gave it to him)
- he asked me to go out with him within a few days of us starting to talk (I hate guys who never wanted to meet up, also if we talked online too much there would be nothing to talk about in person: first date is lore awkward cause there aren’t te normal questions to ask)
- he offered to drive to my city and meet me anywhere I wanted to (we lived forty minutes - an hour a part and I was uncomfortable going to a city I didn’t know well to meet a boy I didn’t know at all)
- we went for dinner and he didn’t drink alcohol (I hate guys who drink on the first date)
- the date was without pressure. We had decided before meeting up that we would go for dinner (and as Jesse said “if you don’t completely hate me, maybe we could play mini golf after)
- when we decided to go play mini golf, he let me drive us (I wasn’t comfortable getting in a car with a guy I didn’t know)
- he let me pay for my own dinner (I don’t like guys paying for me on a first date. It makes me feel like I owe them something)
- but he paid for mini golf after arguing with me which I thought was sweet.
- when we were done mini golf, I drove him back to his car and he told me he thought I was really awesome and he wanted to see me again, then left without trying to hug or kiss me
- he texted me as soon as he got home, and we set up our next date for the Tuesday to see a movie (didn’t try to play hard to get)
From day 1 he made me feel important and he never left me guessing with how he was feeling which a lot of guys do. He treated me as an equal and respected me, and made a true effort to see me whenever possible (he worked long hours and lived almost an hour a day but would still make time to see me at least once during the week- even meeting me to see a movie at 8pm when he’d just worked 6am- 7pm and had to get up at 5:30am the next morning) and spent every weekend with me from our first date on.
Online dating can be a success but as far as I’ve heard, success like mine is pretty rare.
I follow a lot of people still that I started following when I was just starting to use plenty of fish (so say, a year and a half ago?) and all of them are talking about the rule changes.
I really think they’re good changes, and it will help people use the site better (for now anyway). I remember all the stupid hookup messages I got even though I made it very clear I wasn’t into that.
I didn’t really date guys off it (I think Met up with one guy, maybe two before Jesse) but I did meet Jesse on there which was the best thing that ever happened to me, so I will forever have a soft spot for that website.
I just wanna go home and bawl my eyes out. I feel like as soon as I di that ill be fine.
I haven’t really been eating well. The last two days I only ate one thing a day. Today I drank so much in forty minutes with only eating a mcflurry yesterday and a rice bowl today, and I ended up puking everywhere. My anxiety is through the roof and the only way I could control it today was drinking. But then I puked for like forty minutes and cried and missed my boyfriends entire set. And I feel like a shitty ass girlfriend. I was crying behind a building and Neha braced her way thru th puke to cone comfort me abs She’s stayed with me all night. Violet cane with me every time I puked too. But now in laying in the truck and waiting to go home and trying not to feel bad but I am. I don’t wanna be back where I was but I just always feel not ducking good enough.
how lucky to be born
with the right chromosomes
and genes perfectly fitted
how unfortunate my beauty
chose to manifest
in my
mind
soo frustrated. I feel like everytime I’m getting ahead money-wise something happens and I end up broke and scraping to pay my bills. This month I would’ve had more than enough but I stupidly put $200 on my visa without thinking and then I had to pay for some other bills that I usually don’t get (my phone bill was expensive this month too) and I don’t know I’m just so frustrated cause my car payment and insurance come out on Sunday and I have exactly enough for those right now but that’s it. I also need gas and I need to put at least $50 on my (maxed) visa and I wanna buy my mommy some flowers on Sunday and oh yeah not to mention its the weekend and I’m just so stressed and upset with myself. I keep track of all the money I make and spend and I’m specific on what I spend it on (I write it down in a little journal) and I’m frustrated cause I’m not even spending that much money selfishly- it’s all going to bills and groceries and gas. This month I spent more than usual on myself and yes I regret it but it wasn’t even that much- I spent $70 on some runners, $16 on a shirt and $20 on a dress. Last weekend I spent too much money on booze though but still. I feel like a loser and I hate myself for always being in this place come the 12th of the month.
on Saturday night Jesse and I went to Scotty’s for a BBQ and then after violet got home, we went to amberjacks to meet up with jesses friends. Violet and I sat in this tiny corner table away from everybody because we don’t really know them and also because I wante Jesse to hang out with his friends and not worry about me. At one point, Jesse wanders over and holds onto me from behind the chair. I tried to shoo him away and tell him that he should go with his friends. He said “they’re outside smoking weed and I know if I go out I will too and I don’t want to” and I said “yeah but all hour friends think I made you lame, you still spent time with them when you were dating britt” and he said “yeah, but id go hang out with them and get high and britt would be so pissed and I just didn’t care. I guess that just tells you how much I didn’t really love her. With you though I know you’ll be upset if I smoke, and that makes everything different”
I totally melted because its amazing to know tht he loves me that much. I love him.
