This same woman always comes in at fucking quarter to five and stays half past closing and I’m so sick of it. Plan ahead and come earlier or don’t come at all. I’m sick of staying late for you.
I never thought I’d fall so in love with someone so fully. I remember past relationships, and feeling like people had talked love up so much..I specifically remember Corey telling me he loved me and feeling so little and just being so disappointed.
When I met Jesse, and fell in love with him, I have never felt anything like it before, and I couldn’t imagine ever loving any stronger. And yet, every day i fall a little harder.
We were in the house of blues anaheim eating dinner, and drinking, and we (Jesse, Scotty and I) were talking about Scott’s relationships and Jesse was repeating something he’d said many times before: he truly believes you should not have sex with a girl unless you have told her you love her, and you should never tell a girl you love her if you don’t. He said if you don’t live someone within three months, you’re not going to. He paused and said “with Ashley, I honestly knew I loved her within like, a week” and my heart melted. Jesse has such incredible values and I just..I love him.
There is no one I would rather spend my life with.
Well I cleaned our room and changed it around and put away all the laundry. It took like two hours and it was a huge workout haha, but I’m decently happy with it. I’m tired but I’m scared to go to bed alone. It’s taking everything in me not to text Jesse.
Well he’s at the party. I’m happy he’s doing something he’s excited about and that he gets to see his friends.
I need to get over this separation anxiety I have. The minute he stepped out the door I burst into tears. But I’m feeling better now.
I know why I get so upset. I have a problem with being alone. Ever since my bio dad left, I always had this crippling fear that when my mom left for work, she would never come back for me. And I guess now that Jesse is my family, and that he means so much to me, I feel the same.
Also, I have a problem with feeling not good enough. In sixth grade, my best friend switched schools and I remember feeling not good enough, the same thing happened with two friends in grade seven. After high school, my best friend went away for university across Canada and I went a long time selfishly feeling like she left because I wasn’t enough to make her stay.
And I guess to a point, I feel that way when Jesse goes to these parties and stays out all night. I feel like I’m not enough, he’d rather be elsewhere, even though that is so beyond not true. But it’s how my mind has been wired to work. And I’m trying so hard to rewire it.
I’m getting better though. Last time he went out, I stayed up all night sobbing harder than I knew possible, to the point of hyperventilating. That is not a normal reaction for a twenty one year old girl to have, and I know that. This time, I cried for five minutes, now I’m making fries and watching tv and I feel okay.
I’m working on it.
You know, it’s jesses friends bday party tonight, which means I’ll be home alone all night
And I’ve been moping about it since I found out wishing he’d just stay home
Or that we’d go to his cousins cousins bday party instead like we were supposed to
And now it’s twenty after eight and he keeps checking his phone cause no ones called him yet to tell him where it is
And my heart is breaking and im hoping someone calls him so he can go
Even though I’d rather he be home
But I know it means a lot to him to see his friends….
I guess that’s love.